


Everybody Loves the Smurfs

by facingthenorthwind (spacegandalf)



Series: Everybody Needs Good: Neighbours AU [1]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Neighbours AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-04-06
Packaged: 2017-12-07 15:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/750045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegandalf/pseuds/facingthenorthwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Maxine babysits a small child and Simon is a Smurf that is too good at hide-and-seek.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Loves the Smurfs

**Author's Note:**

> When Andrea listens to Tallahassee on repeat, we get thisissodepressing.txt. When I listen to Tallahassee on repeat, Simon gets punched in the face by a small child. I don't even know, folks. (I need to stop writing kidfic, it is a disease.)

It wasn't that Maxine and Paula didn't like children. They were fine. Sure, when the old tenants of number seven had had a baby, children had become distinctly less fine until the sleep deprivation stopped, but children weren't the problem.

It was more that they didn't really have anything to do _with_ children. Their flat was one of those ones with breakable things on coffee tables and a white sofa, that parents just look at and shake their heads. It was a flat that was not made for small bundles of terror at all, but now they were in possession of a small bundle of terror, complete with a Teletubbies DVD and a packet of wipes ("Just in case, you know." "Wait, know what?").

Clearly, babysitting had been a bad idea.

After Charlotte, the bundle of terror, had taken an overenthusiastic bite out of one of the wooden apples they had on the coffee table ("Lottie! Lottie, no, that's not for eating, let me get you a real apple--"), Maxine had decided that the best place to be was not in the flat. Leaving Paula to clean up the flat (read: hide as many breakable things as possible), she clutched Charlotte's hand in hers and asked her what sort of ice cream she would like from the corner shop. Everyone liked ice cream, after all.

It was a good plan, except the party-throwing kid -- Simon -- appeared from apparently nowhere as they got to the bottom floor, in the split second between Maxine making sure Charlotte had got down the last stair fine and letting go of her hand to check the post box.

"Are you a smurf?" Charlotte said, looking up at him. He had dyed his hair bright blue -- Maxine was sure it had been dark brown last week, so god knows what circumstances had brought about the change (she suspected a lot of alcohol was involved).

Simon looked shocked for a moment, but quickly recovered. "I...could be? Yes, yes I am a smurf," he said, and grinned. "Maxine, who is this delightful girl? I mean, sorry, who are you?" He redirected the question to Charlotte, who stood a little straighter and said,

"I am Lottie and I am three." She held up her fingers to illustrate her point, frowning a little in concentration as she made sure there were three of them. "If you're a smurf, why do you live in Maxine's building?"

"Well, Smurf Village is pretty isolated, so I came here because, uh -- I want to see the big city. Living in mushrooms isn't all it's cracked up to be, you know."

Charlotte apparently took this as a good enough explanation and nodded solemnly. "What's your name, then?"

"I'm Sim-- I'm Perfect Smurf. Perf Smurf for short."

"I've never heard of Perf Smurf," she said, frowning more from the effort of remembering than disbelief.

"Yeah, well, it's because I moved to the city, innit?"

"Of course."

Maxine had finished checking the post (bill, bill, official looking letter, junk mail, bill) and said, "Come on, Charlotte. Do you still want ice cream?"

"Yeah, but look, Maxie! I found a smurf!" Charlotte pointed to Simon, beaming as if it was a fantastic discovery.

"Good morning, Maxine!" Simon said. "You have a lovely child in your possession today."

"I thought Smurfs had blue skin, not blue hair," Maxine said, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah, but have you ever seen their hair? Smurfs are always wearing white hats, so for all you know, they could have blue hair. And, in fact, they do, because I am a Smurf. I don't have blue skin because I've got to fit in in the city, you know. Easier to do that when I don't look like someone from _Avatar_."

Maxine could have ruined it all, pointing out that Simon was just a normal boy who had dyed his hair and that he definitely was not a Smurf. But Charlotte looked so _happy_ , and she couldn't bring herself to do it. "Touché. Well, if you'll excuse us, we're off to go get ice cream."

"Ice cream!" Simon said, checking his pocket and pulling out a handful of coins. "Ice cream sounds like just the thing. It's a real delicacy in Smurf culture, you know. Difficult when we don't have electric freezers."

Charlotte tugged on Maxine's hand and said, "Maxie, can we take Perf Smurf to the corner shop for ice cream? He doesn't have it back home!"

Maxine sighed and nodded as Charlotte pulled her out of the door. "Come on, Perf Smurf! Ice cream is the bestest."

(They spent the whole way to the corner shop discussing Smurf culture, as Charlotte quizzed Simon on everything from "But how did you get rid of your blue skin?" to "Why are Smurfs never wearing shirts?" Simon, to his credit, didn't sound _too_ much like he was talking out of his arse. Maxine was a tiny bit impressed.)

***

The ice cream had turned into a game of hide-and-seek involving half the building, and Maxine wasn't sure how. Simon had said something about using his Smurf-powers to hide in very small spaces and now they were here, waiting for a three-year-old to find them. Paula was in the game, as was Simon, his room mate Jack (who actually seemed to have gainful employment) and his...boyfriend? Eugene. Maxine wasn't entirely sure. She heard an exaggerated groan of disappointment and knew Paula had been found -- she would only have to crouch underneath the table for a little while lon--

"Found you!"

Maxine shuffled forward into the kitchen, grateful that she had been found first -- this way she had at least five minutes to make herself a cup of tea before she was instructed to be the seeker. Putting on the kettle and taking two mugs from the cupboard, she heard Charlotte run out of the kitchen, calling out, "Perf Smurf! Jaaaack! Machine!"

There was a giggle that turned into a snort before it was muffled, followed by, "Found you, Jack and Machine!"

"Eu-gene," Eugene said slowly.

"Machine!"

"Eu-- never mind." The snort-giggling had increased in intensity and Maxine wondered whether she should make sure Jack was still getting enough oxygen. A moment later, the three of them emerged from the bedroom, towards Maxine, with Charlotte pulling Eugene by the hand and Jack following behind.

"Maxie! I found Jack and Machine! They were both hiding in the closet!"

At this point, Jack had to sit down because he was laughing too hard, and Maxine shook her head and offered Eugene some tea.

***

The tea break went for three minutes, and then five, and then seven. Paula had come into the kitchen and given Maxine a kiss before clutching her mug of tea as if it were a godsend. Lottie stomped from room to room, calling out, "Perf Smurf! Perf Smurf, where are you?" louder and louder each time.

Finally, she ran to Maxine and waved her arms about angrily as she said, "Maxie I can't find Perf Smurf _anywhere_. He's gone! He's disappeared! He said Smurfs were magic but he can't just-- Has he gone back to Smurfville? I hadn't found him yet! He's not allowed!"

Maxine called out, "Si-- Perf Smurf! Come out now, the game is over. Lottie can't find you."

There was silence, and then, "Alright! Give me a sec!" A suspicious sounding thud and a muffled curse later, Simon appeared with his hair sticking in every direction at once. Charlotte ran towards him, and he put his arms out for a hug (why else would small children run at him?), but that evidently wasn't what she had in mind. She grabbed one of his hands and yanked, pulling so that he leant forward. Then, before Maxine could stop her, she punched Simon in the face.

"You are too good at hide-and-seek! I thought you had disappeared! I couldn't find you anywhere! You. Are. Horrid," Charlotte said, punctuating the last three words with shoves before Maxine took her by the shoulders and stepped between her and Simon, who was covering his nose with his hand.

"Are you alright? I'm so sorry about that -- her mother said she got violent when she was angry, but, well, I'd not seen her angry." Maxine was mortified that Charlotte had _punched someone in the face_ , but she could hear Jack behind her snickering into his tea. At least someone was enjoying this.

"I think I'll be okay -- Christ, how does she have such good aim? Right on the nose. Lottie, you've got a good arm, I'll give you that."

Charlotte still look livid, so Maxine stood just out of range as she reprimanded her. "Charlotte, you cannot just go around punching people. Hitting people is wrong -- always wrong -- and I will have to tell your mother when she comes to collect you. Now, say sorry to Perf Smurf for hurting him." That was what you were meant to say, right?

"Sorry Perf Smurf," Charlotte said, and Maxine wasn't willing to point out that it didn't count if she said it in that tone. "Hitting you was bad."

"S'alright, kid," Simon said, smiling but still standing out of reach. "I have super Smurf healing powers anyway."

Losing any pretence of contrition, Charlotte's face broke into a grin. "You do? Can I hit you again, then?"

Before Simon could answer, Maxine said, "No, definitely not. Hitting is wrong even when the person you're hitting has super Smurf healing powers." The glare she directed at Simon didn't do anything to diminish his smirk (and it was a smirk, because he'd just got Maxine to say he had super Smurf healing powers, the git). "The game's over, and Jack and Eugene and Perf Smurf have to go home now." Jack and Eugene stood up, Eugene taking a last gulp of tea, and she gave them a grateful smile. "You can't play hide-and-seek with children who punch people."

"Yes you can!" Charlotte said, stamping her foot. "You can too, because I play hide-and-seek all the time."

"Naughty girls aren't allowed to play hide and seek. You'll have to sit quietly and -- and think about what you've done." Her mother was coming in twenty minutes, at least.

"I'm not naughty! I said sorry! No, Perf Smurf, don't leave, we aren't done yet, you haven't found me--"

"Another time, Lottie," Simon said. "I promise not to go back to Smurfville before we play hide-and-seek again if you promise not to punch me, yeah?"

Charlotte looked like she was considering the merits of this deal -- but thankfully, she nodded. "Promise."

Jack and Eugene were already near the door, and Eugene opened it as Simon said, "Goodbye Maxine, Paula! Lovely flat you have. Goodbye Lottie, lovely right hook you have."

Before he could give her any other ideas, Maxine closed the door. Seventeen minutes until her mother came.

(When her mother did, Charlotte proudly told her that she'd punched a Smurf, and Maxine didn't know where to start explaining.)


End file.
